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I’ve seen many movies that I’d care not share with my friends. Mostly, terrible movies and some were just plain embarrassing. I’d often regret seeing it, and think, how can I wrest those two precious hours of my life back from these movie usher thieves. Indeed, the trailer for In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale was so deceivingly good, that it was just enough to extract $12.50 out of my pocket (this is where you could imagine my dollar bills having white fluffy wings, flapping its way out of my wallet into thin air).

I don’t regret a few movies I’ve seen that were critically dismissed as self-serving tripe, such as AVP: Alien vs. Predator which was decent, if not the greatest SciFi flick ever made by man. Or even, Mean Girls which was a masterful tale woven together by Tina Fey (screenplay). I enjoy those types of movies, if not to relieve this compelling obsession with aliens tearing shit up and high school drama in general.

The backstabbing, gossip, childish meandering and simple lives of these characters allows us (yes, you’re coming with me) to escape to a time where we could be carefree and hate and attack each other with inconsequential reprisals.

It was with great anxiety that I knew of Twilight long before the trailers hit, and long before people were buzzing about Cedric Diggory playing the role of Edward Cullen. Cedric who’s casting can only be explained by the singular requirement for an actor playing Edward Cullen: less talent, more dreamy.

Anxious to not tell my friends that I’d been waiting to see it, nor to tell them that in fact, I would probably be waiting in line with the other 18 year olds at the box office, I feigned much disinterest. Quoting reviews that read, “Twilight is a disappointingly anemic tale of forbidden love that should satiate the pre-converted but will bewilder and underwhelm viewers,” I hoped to throw them off the scent. No, this movie was definitely not for me. Much like Edward Cullen, I held my reservations in check and hid in the darkness so as to not reveal my true identity. I only came out when it was cloudy.

But tonight! I saw it, and Catherine Hardwicke did not disappoint. I am notoriously known for favouring so-called “bad” movies, but in this instance I would like to draw your attention to movies such as Lords of Dogtown, Tank Girl and even I’m Gonna Git You Sucka. Great movies that she either directed or was involved in some way or another.

This story unfolded like a giant origami masterpiece. Maybe even a giant origami crane. Each fold and crease blatantly narrated and wonderfully extricated to the audience as though we were all in their heads. Or at least, over their shoulder. I suppose it was more like piggy-backing.

A forbidden love story emulating the Romeo and Juliet tale, with classic lines like, “I don’t have the strength to stay away from you,” or “I’m afraid I might eat you, and you might taste like bacon.” I studiously noted these lines in my own notebook, saving them for later. You see, gentle vampires don’t drink human blood, because it will cause them to ravage all humans in a rabid state of inhumanity. These docile vampires prefer to live amongst us, and refer to themselves as “vegetarians” who secretly feast on deer blood while humbly trying to become another valuable member of society.

How wonderful and fresh to see them comparing drinking animal blood as being a vegetarian. As he remarked, “Its like eating tofu all your life, but never being satisfied.” Someone get this boy a steak! He’s been craving one all his 200 years of existence, and now there she is. A delicious young girl to devour if he so chooses. And then I began to wonder, have I ever fallen in love with a nice fat, ribeye steak before? Oh yes, I had one yesterday. It helped me to relate to his pain, of seeing a walking steak and not being able to pour some peppercorn gravy on it. How terrible!

Despite his failing will power, he is able to keep his distance, only to visit her while she sleeps. I also noted this down for future relationship advice: if you cannot be with a girl due to stupid species violation rules, quietly creep into her room and watch her sleep. She’ll wake up, see you then think she was dreaming about you. You’ll be like a vision of beauty at the foot of her bed, so long as you jump out the window before she reaches over for the pepper spray. And if you need to convince yourself that this is right, just remember — all you are really doing, is nothing so different than viral marketing.

So eventually, she becomes weak and tastes the forbidden fruit from Edward’s ice cold hands (at least, I think it was from his hands). Falling down the rabbit hole into an Eden-like paradise of generous, intellectual vampires who love Debussy and can play many musical instruments, she is hooked and wants in. She wants to be let into this exclusive country club of high society vampires. This fantasy played out over the span of 2 short hours, and resonated within the audience of 7 people in the theatre as we clapped our applause, thunderously echoing and reverberating against the walls when they finally did kiss and end up at prom together. After seeing enough of these movies, you’ll soon realize that all roads lead to prom.

Of course, there could not have been a more complete package if they had forgotten to include the set up for the sequel. The prerequisite setup was made for the sequel, as the tale of wolves from the forest (First Nations tribe) wove a backstory of a peace treaty between the vampires. One of those wolves, Jacob, has a tiny little crush on our heroine hottie whom she was too quickly brushed off as just another gay best friend. Get in line, chump. Too bad, Jacob, you’re just not as dreamy as Edward, and considering you’re probably a werewolf, you might want to look into getting an electric personal groomer. P.S. You’re ugly.

The love triangle is brewing, and looks like the sequel will provide more juice. Certainly these movies need to be made faster if they are still going to use the same cast. The problem with teen movies is that you can only get 2 or 3 out of them before they start getting old. Unless you’re the Harry Potter franchise, in which case you’ll see those movies until Harry’s a ripe old age of 52 playing a 20 year old Potter, still trying to escape his past, and still scratching his forehead at his, now sagging and droopy, lightning bolt scar. Someone please tell Mr. Potter that, yes, we get it. You’re an orphan. Some orphans do something good with their lives like become President of United States, so stop dragging your feet and get on with it.

They say twilight is the magical hour for photography, but they never realized how true this statement would be for film too until this one came along.

This article is ghost-written for the person who did see it, but is afraid to tell the world. I on the other hand, have no such shame.

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and as is the case on most Sundays, I was nowhere near a church. I’ve spent many, many years of my life avoiding Church, especially ones that concern latter day saints. Living my life as a guilt-free sinner, I made a pact with myself to keep my true faith secret, and away from religious fanatics and telemarketers alike. Read the rest of this entry »

I got an email last week, that told me in short and terse sentences that my short film would no longer be produced. Actually, the email only contained a press release. And we all know, nothing says “I hate you” better than a press release.

So now, I’m courting other producers. Or looking for money in general. If you happen to have any money, please give it here. Courting producers is like asking a girl to dance. And I’m not talking about one of those highschool dances either.

No, it’s definitely not like being at a highschool dance and seeing a girl you’ve had a crush on since grade 8, and finally when you’re in grade 12 and she’s in grade 11, you manage to convince the resident super-jock (future poster-boy for classmates.com) to give you the rose he was saving for Mrs. Super Jock, just so that you could give it to this one girl, who’s name might be something like Mandy McGuire, and ask her to a slow dance when your favorite song at the time (One by U2) comes on, but you’re so fricc’n nervous that you sweat through your white, pleated shirt and she thinks she’s dancing with a melting Yeti (well, not quite like a Yeti, but just as displaced). No, not like that at all.

That kind of a dance is really nothing but a 3-minute hug, while rotating on the same spot (usually in a gymnasium). If you’re lucky, she might let you rest your cheek against her ear; feeling the trembling of her breath, enjoying this blissful moment of pubescent proximity; holding each other tightly, slowly rocking back and forth, closely resembling the mating pattern of two penguins.

My very first highschool slow-dance was more like the Frankenstein March, with stiff arms extended straight out, firmly gripping the poor girl’s hips; still rocking back and forth and slowly turning ’round and ’round in circles. Always uncertain where to put my eyes, I usually looked way up high or way down low at the floor, counting how many times we revolved around that one tile.

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The Lord of the Rings triology concluded with an amazing film, detailing the return of our reluctant and hapless hero, Aragorn, back onto the throne of Gondor. A man who sighs deeper than the caverns of Moria and wrestles with unmentionable demons, both real and imaginary. An amazing tale, finally concluded in this epic 3.5 hour film, perhaps more aptly named, Lord of the Ambiguously Gay Hobbits.

This third film follows our ambiguously gay duo through the mountains of Mordor, battling a giant spider and a schizophrenic goblin who calls himself Smeagol, but would better pass as Frank the bully from my seventh grade. I’d swear it was the same guy.

It is mystery to none the emotional tension that stands between Frodo and Sam, as both Elijah Wood and the fat kid from Rudy, give off more on-screen chemistry than Ben and Jennifer. Peter Jackson does a fine job of lulling his audience to sleep with conversations comprised entirely of sexual innuendo between Frodo and Samwise.

The romance scenes between Merry and That Other Hobbit also add to the overall warmth. There was electricity buzzing in the theatre as the cinematic narrative continually brought the audience to its agonizing question: When will Sam and Frodo finally share a deeply passionate kiss? Maybe Sam should’ve been more obvious and less ambiguous about his unrequited love. His jealousy of Frodo and Smeagol’s lucid relationship left no doubt in the viewer’s mind of the extent of his own passion. I felt for him, and found myself chanting, “Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!” throughout the movie.

This romantic comedy is one that will not be easily forgotten. Coming into the third hour of the film, the left cheek of my ass fell promptly asleep, as did my brain. The last 60 minutes of the film were filled with grandiose images of crying Hobbits, slow-motion departure scenes and 20 minute death speeches. Die already, will you?

The final departure scene of Frodo Baggins would only have been better served by a few swift kicks to Sam’s head. It took all my strength to stay seated and not leap out of my seat and shake my fist. Stop fucking crying, you goddam Hobbit. And you, Fingerless Frodo, get on the boat for Christ’s sake. Do us all a favour, cut this film down by 10 min. by leaping onto that boat and get on with it. Fine, have your little Hobbit group hug, but please be on your ambiguous way.

New Zealand always getting the Hollywood spotlight.

HONG KONG - Current developments are underway in the Hong Kong movie industry to produce an Asian Lord of the Rings. Reportedly under a modest budget of $15 million USD, the movie will star actors James Hong as Gandalf and Ekin Chen as Aragorn.

“We’re thinking of making this movie to show what Lord of the Rings means to us.” spokesman Jason Chan for Golden Harvest, said. “The Chinese have always been proud of our heritage and we’d like to tell our story of middle-China. We’re tired of New Zealand always getting the Hollywood spotlight.”

Above: David Hong as a ten foot tall Gandalf faces off Baelrog, “You shall not pass!”

Golden Harvest, a main player in Hong Kong’s movie industry will produce this epic film. They have reportedly been in talks with Andrew Lau (Infernal Affairs) to direct.

“We’d like to move away from the pathetic hero for Aragorn.” Lau said. “This is what I’m seeing, Young and Dangerous: In the Shadows of Fuji. Ekin is perfect for that role.”

On Ekin growing a sexy, ruggard beard for the part of King Gondor, Lau was heard to be saying, “Are you kidding?”

Known more for his parts in Hong Kong gangster flicks, can the frail Ekin convincingly wield a broad sword? “We’re going to give him butcher cleavers instead.”

Lau foresees some alternate interpretations of Tolkien’s classic story to give it an asian feel, one being a bare-faced fellowship. Bearded asians are a rare find, it appears.

Another interpretation, is Gandalf, who will instead be a 10-foot tall wizard that shoots lasers out of his eyes, and fires lightning bolts from the tips of his pinky fingers.

For the role of Ghimli, rumours have been circulating that some inter-racial breeding has been occuring with Chinese midgets and Mongolians. Hopefully, by the time production begins, they will have a full grown Mongolian dwarf.

In the shire, Lau hopes to have an army of Chinese child acrobats. Known for their flexibility and impossible contortions, the acrobats will be able to fit in homes made of beautifully decorated barrels.
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